{"id":5335,"date":"2010-11-30T16:56:00","date_gmt":"2010-11-30T16:56:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lbpost.com\/articles\/life\/pets\/the-empty-chair-how-to-say-goodbye-to-longtime-friends\/"},"modified":"2010-11-30T16:56:00","modified_gmt":"2010-11-30T16:56:00","slug":"the-empty-chair-how-to-say-goodbye-to-longtime-friends","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/hi-lo\/pets\/the-empty-chair-how-to-say-goodbye-to-longtime-friends","title":{"rendered":"The Empty Chair: How To Say Goodbye To Longtime Friends"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"Abby, at right<\/em><\/p>\n

The Empty Chair<\/strong>
Dedicated to the beautiful memories of Winley, Oaf, Abby, Peru, Seymour, Hope, Max, and the two kitties who died in the recent Belmont Shore house fire as well as all those who preceded them. May we meet again at the Rainbow Bridge.<\/em><\/p>\n

1:30pm |<\/strong> My brother has a photo in his home office of his cat, Seymour, who passed away many years ago after enjoying a long life. In the picture, Seymour is lying in a sunny spot by the window, with half his body in the light. My brother said that, in retrospect, it was eerie how the picture turned out, cast in half-shadow like a memory someone deeply beloved and mourned.<\/p>\n

Why We Grieve<\/strong>
What is it about our pets that their death brings out our grief so readily?<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople who suffer the loss of a pet family member often feel deep grief, sometimes surpassing the sadness they have felt when someone [human] they know has died,\u201d said Dr. Bill Benson, MFC<\/a>, a bereavement therapist in Long Beach and Los Angeles. \u201cThe relationship with a pet offers a unique bond in that there is little to no negotiation. The animal keys off you and responds to your perceptions and wishes, often without resistance. People, because we lead with intellectual thinking, are less dependent and less focused on [one another] during our interactions. People question us, animals accept us. As a result, we often feel a deeper or more dependent connection with an animal\u2014we feel well supported and nonjudged. When that animal dies, we lose this special way of connecting with another living being, and therefore, the grieving process can be deep and long.\u201d<\/p>\n

Grieving often begins before the pet dies if the animal is suffering from a long illness. What many of us hope for our pets is what we would like for ourselves: a calm passing during sleep. As many of us have sadly learned, this doesn\u2019t happen too often, and we\u2019re faced with the question of when to let go, when to call the vet. Pets can\u2019t call Dr. Kevorkian themselves, and making that final call is so very, very hard. Listen to your heart; if you have a vet whom you like, trust him or her to help you make the right decision.<\/p>\n

What Do We Do When It\u2019s \u2018Time\u2019?<\/strong>
The day comes when we cannot provide hospice for our pet, and we\u2019re faced with what we may think of as betrayal to a best friend.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a very individualized choice,\u201d said Dr. Ralph Sellman of the Blue Cross Veterinary Hospital in Signal Hill<\/a>. \u201cWhat I tell most people is, you want to do it when your pet is not enjoying being a dog or cat anymore. [With] most of your critical-care situations, you have two guilts: the guilt of not waiting long enough and the guilt of waiting too long. Some people don\u2019t want their pets to feel any pain or discomfort whatsoever, and if we know they have a terminal condition, that\u2019s the right choice for their pet. Some people want to wait until the pet stops eating or is not able to posture properly or is having some sick event. There are specialists I can send people to, but again, it\u2019s a question about what you can do for your pet and what you should do for your pet. If you have a 4-year-old pet and a painful and expensive treatment may help them have another 10 years, that\u2019s one thing. If you have a 16-year-old pet, it\u2019s not fair to put them through it.<\/p>\n

Judy Crumpton, who generally writes this article with me, emphasizes the importance of the decision being about the pet\u2019s comfort. Judy and her husband were fortunate enough to stay with their dog, Hope, and offer one another moral support while caring for Hope as she was dying.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe didn’t mind doing this, as we didn’t want to leave her alone, and we cherished our final days with her,\u201d Judy said. \u201cI feel sorry for people who must leave their dying animals alone because they have to do the things they must do. I am sure this plays into the decision to euthanize a bit sooner than we did, but even though your heart is breaking, you need only to look into their eyes for the answer. That final drive to the emergency hospital is one that can not be described. The only \u2018easy\u2019 part of this is the realization that they will not need to suffer to their last breath.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"
Hope<\/em><\/p>\n

The Decision<\/strong>
Pain and suffering aside, it\u2019s achingly difficult to pick up the phone and make that final appointment with the vet. My own beautiful Oaf had kidney failure at age 15. Even though I knew he was done for, I watched him hopefully for signs that he was getting better, that he was going to make it after all. Every little bite of food when he clearly didn\u2019t want it, a swat at a favorite toy, purring next to me in bed and licking my hand were signs of resurrection. Oaf was down to skin and bones from a weight of 16 pounds when I gently picked him up, and he squalled in pain. I set my jaw and made the call.<\/p>\n

\"\"
Oaf<\/em><\/p>\n

No matter how many times you\u2019ve had pets euthanized, it doesn\u2019t get easier with practice. Whatever you do to make dying less painful for your companion, it won\u2019t ease your own pain. My first two cats died at the vet\u2019s. I cried for months. I left another at the clinic and got home as fast as I could. My next cat I stayed with, patting him and talking to him as he lay on the metal table until the injection shut him down. I had to be dragged out of the room. When Oaf was ready\u2014when I was ready, because I think that Oaf was ready a lot sooner than I was\u2014I asked my vet to come over so that my cat could die at home. Oaf went to sleep without struggle on my lap, on his favorite chair. It was kinder and calmer than a cold surgery room, Four years later, I still sit in that chair and mourn him, but I feel that I did the best possible thing for the friend who\u2019d lived for the time I got home and slept hand in paw with me at night.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen it comes time for the actual procedure, I talk to people and find out if they want to be present,\u201d Dr. Sellman said. \u201cIt\u2019s a little disconcerting to see your pet lying there with the eyes open\u2014we want to make sure you know what\u2019s coming. The sphincters and bladder open\u2014if you have the pet on your lap, we make sure that there\u2019s padding between them and you. Quite a few people don\u2019t care. As the body runs out of oxygen, there may be some twitching or the diaphragm will move, which looks like the animal\u2019s taking a breath, and that can be really disconcerting. Some people don\u2019t want to see that. If you don\u2019t want to be present, you shouldn\u2019t be.\u201d<\/p>\n

When cancer began to be too painful for both her sweet yellow lab and herself, Willa Heart offered herself no choice but to remain with the dog. Abby had been a patient at Blue Cross, and Heart is grateful for its end-of-life creature comfort.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe day that Abby needed help to transition, Dr. Sellman was on duty and handled Abby and me so graciously,\u201d Heart said. Blue Cross\u2019s outdoor garden is a haven of flagstones, trees, a fountain, a couple of benches and ashes of former veterinary pets on the mantel. A mural presents a peaceful scene of playful kittens, puppies, rabbits, dragonflies, geese, squirrels and other animals, some looking through the fourth wall of the painting, possibly joyful over the final arrival of a human companion. The scene recalls the Rainbow Bridge pet requiem<\/a>. The garden, said Dr. Sellman, is intended to make people feel more comfortable than does a \u201cclinical exam room and a cold antiseptic table.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"
Memorial Garden at Blue Cross Veterinary Hospital<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cEverything happened just like that\u2014Abby was so peaceful, and it was a healing moment,\u201d Heart said.<\/p>\n

Whatever you decide to do, don\u2019t dump the animal somewhere to die alone and in pain. Anyone cowardly enough to do this has no business sharing a life with one. My only rant, and \u2019nuff said.

The Grieving Process<\/strong>
The death of anyone we love touches us to the bone of our soul. When a beloved pet dies, whether it\u2019s sudden or a result of watching a long process of suffering, there\u2019s a feeling that\u2019s hard to put a finger on: emptiness, numbness, a space somewhere that leads to another dimension but you can\u2019t find the door to enter it. Marge Piercy led in to her unsettling requiem for the people who didn\u2019t make it to the rest of their lives because of 9\/11, \u201cNo One Came Home<\/a>,” with the sudden death of her cat with whom she\u2019d shared a particular closeness: \u201cMy cats have always died in old age, slowly with abundant warning. Not Max. He left a hole in my waking.\u201d Like other personal tragedies, pets often provide the doorway to grief. A couple of weeks ago, the mother of a friend of mine was in hospice, close to death, and my friend\u2019s upper lip had been stoically stiff. A couple of days before she died, we came home from a trip and found that his otherwise healthy 9-year-old cat, Winley, had unexpectedly died of an embolism. That pushed my friend over the edge into grief, and he finally and openly expressed his sorrow.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnimals are so unconditionally loving,\u201d Dr. Benson said. \u201cOur people-pet relationships are nurturing, so when we lose that, of course we\u2019re going to grieve.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"
Winley<\/em><\/p>\n

In his work as a bereavement therapist, Dr. Benson gives equal weight to the loss of a human or an animal relationship. Joey Sweet Boy is Dr. Benson\u2019s 17-year-old terrier mix; he\u2019s a Long Beach ACS rescue who is certified as a Delta Society therapy dog and who also acts as Dr. Benson\u2019s cotherapist.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoey\u2019s the first exposure to an animal that clients have had since their pets passed, and most gravitate to him,\u201d Dr. Benson said. \u201cHe\u2019s very loving and puts himself in the room. I use him a lot with people who feel alone and isolated. They tell stories and pat him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Joey, of course, doesn\u2019t \u201cstory-tell\u201d but he\u2019s very much there when the client expresses his grief.  Dr. Benson follows Joey\u2019s lead. \u201cI help them understand and decipher the story behind the grief they are experiencing,\u201d he said. \u201cI help clients normalize the pet-bereavement process in terms of losing a loved one, thus reframing any guilt or shamefulness they may have about being so affected by an animal’s passing. Since domesticated pets are so dependent on us for their survival, we often feel like we didn’t do enough to help them survive. I help relieve my client’s guilt about their pet’s death: Perhaps they left the gate open and the animal was hit by a passing car. Perhaps the client is second-guessing the decision to euthanize a beloved pet. Because a dog or cat remains intellectually similar to a human 3-year-old, when they pass, we feel as if our small child has left us, and we feel responsible. If a person is coming to therapy to talk about a pet’s death, then chances are good that they had a deep relationship with the animal. I remind them of this and ask them if their pet, based on the loving relationship they shared, would want them to be sad. Their response is always the same: No. This often is the change in perception needed to help the client begin recovery.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remember, it\u2019s your grief and you have a right to grieve. If anyone tells you that \u201cit\u2019s just a (dog, cat, rabbit, rat, etc.),\u201d mumble something like \u201cMmmph\u201d and walk away. Don\u2019t bother explaining yourself.<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople say insensitive things because they haven\u2019t had [a similar] experience with animals and that\u2019s too bad,\u201d Dr. Benson said. \u201cI generally tell people to stay away from them and stay with friends who \u2018get it.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"
Peru<\/em><\/p>\n

There can be other guilts as well. The friend I mentioned in the beginning of the article had to deal with not only his own guilt at his absence at Winley\u2019s death but also with that of our kind friend who had been cat-sitting and found the body. She felt unreasonably guilty herself. We let her know that if she hadn\u2019t called and stayed there until we got home, it would have been a greater shock for us. Then there was Eugene, the other cat. He and Winley had been loving friends and playmates. Eugene was nuzzling the body when our friend had walked in and spent the rest of the evening sniffing the spot where Winley had lain after we removed him. Dr. Benson said that animals understand \u201cgone\u201d more than humans, particularly if they\u2019re allowed to see the other pet\u2019s body. Sudden disappearances can confuse them. They may express grief as well\u2014Eugene still isn\u2019t playing with his toys, his appetite\u2019s down, and he needs a lot of physical contact, which we give him.<\/p>\n

There are several ways of dealing with the physical remains of a pet, just as with humans. You can leave the body at the vet\u2019s or a crematorium; you can request the ashes and keep them over the mantel, scatter them in a favorite resting place or request that they be buried with you or mixed with your own ashes; you may take the body to a pet cemetery; or call a taxidermist (which gives me the willies, but again, it\u2019s a matter of choice). Dr. Benson suggests celebrating the pet\u2019s life by planting a tree and scattering the ashes near it or donating to an animal charity in the pet\u2019s honor. Justin Rudd and Ralph Millero had a beach memorial service for their iconic bulldog, Rosie at the Dog Zone, which Rudd brought into being and where she was the first to charge into the water when it opened. The Zone has been renamed in her honor.<\/p>\n

More difficult is dealing with what remains in your heart and memory, and that\u2019s a matter of time.

Always in Your Heart<\/strong>
There will never be another pet like the one who died. You\u2019ll grieve in your own way; the pain will ebb and then suddenly rush back, but it will heal in time. And if you\u2019ve loved one pet\u2014well, the heart has infinitely more rooms than two auricles and two ventricles, and there will always be a place for every pet you\u2019ve ever loved. But the new room has to be ready, and sometimes well-meaning people will offer you a new pet or ask if you\u2019re going to \u201creplace\u201d a pet as you would a worn-out rug need to be told that you\u2019re not ready. <\/p>\n

Again, don\u2019t explain yourself other than to say that you\u2019ll do what you\u2019ll do if and when the time\u2019s right. You may decide it on your own, you may foster a rescue pet and \u201cflunk fostering\u201d (as I did four years ago and now have Mildred as a result), or love may literally walk into your house in the form of a stray or an abandoned pet who needs unconditional affection as much as you do. Weeks later, you\u2019ll find that, although no one will ever replace your departed friend, you\u2019re in love again. As Maude said when she was breathing her last and Harold tearfully told her he loved her, \u201cOh, that\u2019s wonderful, Harold! Now go out and love some more!\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Dr. Bill Benson may be reached at 310.849.9399. Click here<\/a> for his Doc Talk broadcast about pet bereavement.<\/p>\n

But when the leaves fell on the ground
Bully winds came around
Pushed them facedown in the snow
He got the urge for going
And I had to let him go<\/p>\n

Joni Mitchell, \u201cUrge for Going\u201d
<\/em><\/div>\n

Pet Projects<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"Help find this kitty<\/span>
Attention all Belmont Shore-area residents: Please call the number on this flyer if you should see a cat that matches Chace\u2019s description, or e-mail us here. No photo is available. Chace ran off during the fire and may be frightened, so approach gently. It was too late for the other two cats to be saved by the special oxygen masks donated by Friends of Long Beach Animals to the LBFD. This was a horrible way to start Thanksgiving; in fact, we had three fires in town on that day. Our hearts are with them all.

New Farmer\u2019s Market to offer pet licensing<\/span>
Long Beach Animal Care Services is now offering pet licensing, spay\/neuter vouchers and information about animal adoptions each week at the Old McDonald\u2019s Farmer\u2019s Market, which has newly opened from 8:30am-2:00pm every Sunday at the corner of Spring Street and Clark Avenue. Admission is free and parking will be free at a nearby parking structure.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe are looking for ways to make it easier for residents to register their cats and dogs\u201d, says John Keisler, Manager of Animal Care Services, \u201cThe Old McDonald\u2019s Farmers Market is a perfect place to connect with residents and educate about responsible pet ownership.\u201d Residents will be able to pay for cat and dog licenses, submit rabies inoculation records, and provide proof of altering to get their pet licenses current. Click here<\/a> for more information about pet licensing.

Increase in Rabid Bats Found in LA County Prompts Concern<\/span>
With an unusually high number of rabid bats recorded in Los Angeles County so far this year, the Department of Public Health is reminding all residents to avoid touching any wild animals, especially bats. So far in 2010, 21 rabid bats have been detected countywide, compared to an average of 10 per year.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe reason for the increase in the number of rabid bats reported in LA County is unclear,\u201d said Jonathan E. Fielding, MD, MPH, director of Public Health and Health Officer. \u201cRegardless, it is important that all county residents understand the potential dangers posed to themselves and their pets, as most of these rabid bats have been found in and around homes. Make sure that children know to leave bats and other wildlife alone, and keep pets away from wild animals. If you see a sick bat or other sick animal, contact your local animal control agency.<\/p>\n

Make sure that your pets\u2019 vaccinations\u2014cats and dogs included\u2014are up-to-date. If you are bitten by a wild animal, contact your doctor immediately to determine if you need rabies post-exposure treatment. If your pet has been found with a bat or other wild animals (except for rodents, rabbits or squirrels), report the exposure to the Department of Public Health Veterinary Public Health and Rabies Control Program by calling (213) 989-7060. Click here<\/a> for more information.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What is it about our pets that their death brings out our grief so readily? How to plan and deal with the passing of a beloved pet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":70119,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"newspack_sponsor_sponsorship_scope":"","newspack_sponsor_native_byline_display":"inherit","newspack_sponsor_native_category_display":"inherit","newspack_sponsor_underwriter_style":"inherit","newspack_sponsor_underwriter_placement":"inherit","inline_featured_image":false,"newspack_ads_suppress_ads":false,"newspack_popups_has_disabled_popups":"","_EventAllDay":false,"_EventTimezone":"","_EventStartDate":"","_EventEndDate":"","_EventStartDateUTC":"","_EventEndDateUTC":"","_EventShowMap":false,"_EventShowMapLink":false,"_EventURL":"","_EventCost":"","_EventCostDescription":"","_EventCurrencySymbol":"","_EventCurrencyCode":"","_EventCurrencyPosition":"","_EventDateTimeSeparator":"","_EventTimeRangeSeparator":"","_EventOrganizerID":[],"_EventVenueID":[],"_OrganizerEmail":"","_OrganizerPhone":"","_OrganizerWebsite":"","_VenueAddress":"","_VenueCity":"","_VenueCountry":"","_VenueProvince":"","_VenueState":"","_VenueZip":"","_VenuePhone":"","_VenueURL":"","_VenueStateProvince":"","_VenueLat":"","_VenueLng":"","_VenueShowMap":false,"_VenueShowMapLink":false,"_":"","_author_alias":"","cap-aim":"","cap-description":"","cap-display_name":"","cap-first_name":"","cap-jabber":"","cap-last_name":"","cap-linked_account":"","cap-newspack_employer":"","cap-newspack_job_title":"","cap-newspack_phone_number":"","cap-newspack_role":"","cap-user_email":"","cap-user_login":"","cap-website":"","cap-yahooim":"","newspack_article_summary":"","newspack_email_html":"","newspack_email_type":"","newspack_featured_image_position":"","newspack_hide_page_title":"","newspack_hide_updated_date":false,"newspack_post_subtitle":"","newspack_show_share_buttons":"","newspack_sponsor_byline_prefix":"","newspack_sponsor_disclaimer_override":"","newspack_sponsor_flag_override":"","newspack_sponsor_only_direct":"","newspack_sponsor_url":"","newspack_article_summary_title":"Overview:","newspack_show_updated_date":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[22],"tags":[],"newspack_spnsrs_tax":[],"coauthors":[],"class_list":["post-5335","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pets","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5335","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5335"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5335\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/70119"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5335"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5335"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5335"},{"taxonomy":"newspack_spnsrs_tax","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/newspack_spnsrs_tax?post=5335"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lbpost.com\/esd\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=5335"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}