Quarantine Chronicles Day 33: Will this product cure COVID-19? No. It’s cheese

So, I’m on eBay looking for a COVID cure, and I find a listing for Olmützer Quargel for just $20. I don’t know what it is, but these days if you see something that can cure COVID that only costs $20 you should snap it up.

This Olmützer Quargel, if that is, in fact, its real name, asks me a simple question: Are you scared because of coronavirus? OK, I’ll play. Let’s say yes, I am, but I’m handling it with an admirable amount of aplomb. “Try this,” says Mr. Quargel.

It looks like cheese, and not in a good way. I Googled it and it is cheese, sour cow milk cheese, from the Czech Republic, which, the seller says, “is one of the countries WITHOU(T)  coronavirus. Why? We have our traditional medicine – Olmützer Quargel.” I checked (absolutely no pun intended) and as of Thursday, the Czech Republic reported 6,499 confirmed cases and 173 deaths. I took a pass on the miracle cheese and, long story short, I never found a cure for COVID on eBay.

Oh, but to make a short story long, I did find dozens and dozens of items inspired by coronavirus.

The bulk of the products are “hilarious” T-shirts. Some of them are inspired by “hilarious” T-shirts of yesteryear. They’re painfully predictable: “Got Corona?” (made even hilariouser by using the Corona beer font), “Straight Outta Quarantine,” “Will Work for Toilet Paper.” Not an original gag in the entire wardrobe.

But there’s a lot more less-predictable offerings, like a crocheted COVID catnip toy for $6.50, Quarantine Cutie scrapbook pages so that these memories won’t fade away. A “I survived COVID-19” cigarette lighter. Build-your-own virus COVID models.

There is a large array of corona kits. Some survival kits do have something to do with preventing coronavirus, such as this $119.99 package that includes a can of Lysol disinfectant spray, a gallon of Dial liquid hand soap, two packages of Purell hand sanitizers with a clip-on holder and four 20-packs of Purell soft wipes.

But most of the so-called coronavirus survival kits appeared to be re-titled survivalist survival kits, peaking with a $899.99 backpack stuffed with things like a tactical shovel, a tactical ax, a tactical flashlight, and assorted non-tactical things like a tent, a radio, a pair of walkie-talkies, a thermal blanket, trauma shears and my favorite thing in the grab-bag, a fishing grenade. And you get a roll of duct tape, which is probably the only thing in the pack that might have a chance at curing coronavirus.

Another popular item for germaphobes (although is it a phobia if it’s a rational fear?), including COVID tools that look like a cross between a bottle opener and a set of brass knuckles. These things let you push buttons, flick light switches, open doors and cabinets without touching them.

Maybe the worst thing I saw on my little viral shopping spree was a batch of American Silver Eagle coins, which are beautiful bits of U.S. currency containing an ounce of silver, and you can buy them all day long for a bit more than $20, unless they’re gussied up by eBay peddlers and transformed into COVID-19 collectibles. Then you’re looking at paying anywhere from $53 to $99.

And when I say that’s the worst, I mean it beats out the Wi-Fi remote toilet-flushing thing, that lets you flush your toilet by using your smartphone, or even an Echo. You might protect yourself from the virus, but you could also feel a little embarrassed yelling, “Alexa! Flush my toilet!” Come on, you’ve got your dignity to think of.