We are most definitely in a recession, and it’s going to get worse. In the past, Long Beach residents have responded to economic downturns with incredible resilience and ingenuity, ie: by fleeing.This time, we hope to have enough faceless corporate chain stores to stay afloat and keep downtown Long Beach from turning into a stunning imitation of Poughkeepsie, NY. But we still need a cash injection, and none of those trillion Bernake dollars are slated to come our way. What to do about these problems, which seem to be the creations of capitalism run amok?
Answer: More capitalism. Ie: privatize everything.
Here are the top ten ways for Long Beach to make a little money and, at the same time, stick our finger in liberals’ eyes.
1. Toll roads. And toll streets. And toll sidewalks.
Taxpayers can’t afford to subsidize all the unemployed people, and especially can’t afford to subsidize all the employed people who are about to become unemployed (even McDonald’s is cash poor, so there’s really no hiding place). Cement costs money. Traffic lights and stop signs cost money. Yellow paint costs money (it’s petroleum-based). We aren’t socialists; this isn’t Russia. Why should the wealthy minority pay the transportation costs of the struggling majority?
Pay up, or stay home.
Pros: Less riff-raff and rabble on the streets clogging traffic.
Cons: Getting to dinner costs more than dinner.
2. Fee for service fire department. Crazy? No, it’s called the”ownership society.”
Pros: Firemen can finally replace their torn red suspenders.
Cons: After poor peoples’ houses burn down, they will seek social services.
3. Beach fees: One dollar a person during the day; ten bucks a pop to watch the sunset. Money goes to sanitation department.
Pros: Less riff-raff and rabble at the beach.
Cons: Riff-raff and rabble overrun Signal Hill Park to watch the sunset.
4. Date night with the Mayor: For ten thousand dollars, have Friday dinner with Bob Foster. An extra five grand gets a ride with His Honor on the Ferris wheel – but keep your hands to yourself! Money goes to the general fund.
Pros: Mayor Foster and his constituents get to know each other personally
Cons: Mayor Foster has vertigo…with nausea.
5. Gay Pride every weekend. Extra revenue goes to police department..
Pros: Pageantry and excitement, increased tourism, and something to do (finally!) in Long Beach on the weekends.
Cons: Excessive letters to the Press-Telegram editor from reactionary curmudgeons on Ocean Avenue; police embarrassed their uniforms paid for by drag queens.
6. Sell El Dorado nature center to Halliburton; rename, “The Richard Cheney/2003 Iraq Reconstruction Memorial Nature Center.”Revenue goes to wetlands preservation.
Pros: Drilling in the turtle pond could reduce gas prices by a penny a gallon by 2040.
Cons: A Halliburton turtle burger costs seventeen dollars.
7. Sell the Pike to Warren Buffet. Revenue goes to school system.
Pros: The Pike sucks.
Cons: Warren Buffet’s ego already too big, could explode, destroying port.
8. Sell Seventh Street to China. Revenue goes to new Fourth Street trolley.
Pros: We need more good Chinese food in Long Beach.
Cons: Totalitarianism (a minor complaint, I know.)
9. Sell the City Council to developers. Revenue goes to banking executives, who are apparently demandingmoney from everyone.
Pros: Developers have a lot of cash,and we weren’t using the City Council anyway.
Cons: Plan won’t work – developers already own the City Council.
10. Close the libraries and sell their assets.
Pros: Less informed public easier to manipulate, and we weren’t using the library anyway.
Cons: Who wants to buy a bunch of artifacts (books)?
None of these interventions can fix our economic ills, though they may provide some relief. But keep in mind, as you clip coupons and accustom yourself to cheaper, crappier food: An American recession looks a whole lot like normalcy for most of the rest of the world. So quit whining! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – or, it just kills you slowly. Didn’t Jesus say that?