11:25am | When you’re dating, do you want to know as much as possible as fast as possible about the person sitting in front of you? Why waste your time, right? Especially those of us who are “of a certain age”; life is too dang short to be dilly dallying around to get to know someone. Either they are for you, or they are not. And if not… next!

So you check out their appearance, feel out the chemistry, spend 10 minutes talking about the weather and…if you’re interested…get to it. Why did her marriage break up? Is he close to his Mother and children? What’s up with their career? What do they think about global warming and the upcoming elections?

The truth is that 9 times out of 10, jumping into the deep stuff will not serve you well. When you approach dates like they are archeological digs, the other person is likely to want to run for the hills. In fact, a common complaint from men is that they feel like they’re on job interviews. And we all know how much fun job interviews are.

I recommend sticking with some general talk on your first date. It doesn’t have to be drivel, but it should be light and fun, and give you a sense of how you feel around the person. If you both feel good, you’ll go out again. Then maybe on the second or third date you can start the inquisition.

Here are 4 reasons why small talk counts:

  1. Both men and women can be nervous, self-conscious, and even insecure. (Ladies, does it surprise you that men can also feel this way?) Idle chatter lets you settle in and get a sense of each other. This can create a relaxed and safe setting to get to know one another.
  2. When someone is comfortable, that’s when you’ll see their real personality. Talking about non-consequential – i.e. non-threatening – topics brings out people’s fundamental qualities. You’ll see clues to their intelligence, well-roundedness, sense of humor, lifestyle, and general interests. This is the stuff you’re going to live with every day, and it’s important.
  3. Body language and communication speak volumes. Do they make eye contact, listen when you talk, show confidence, have good manners, show respect for the wait staff? Again, all very important stuff. You may be able to live with someone who disagrees on what to do with the breakwater, but not someone who disrespects the waitress or doesn’t listen when you talk.
  4. Leaving someone feeling like they revealed too much is a recipe for disaster. Especially with men. You may walk away feeling good about “getting to know him,” but if he spills his guts during the date and goes home feeling like he told you more than he would tell his best friend… you’re probably not getting a call for that next date, sister. “Having someone to talk to” doesn’t rank high on most guy’s list of what he’s looking for in a woman.

So, when first getting to know each other, talk about what you like to do, where you’ve lived, and maybe some fun and interesting hypothetical things. This is where you should stay; especially on the first date. Get a sense of his or her personality, intellect, and manner…and let them see yours.

Here are some conversation starters:

  • Have you ever tried [paddle boarding in the bay, the new restaurant on 2nd Street, the farmer’s market on the Promenade, At Last Café’s amazing mac and cheese]?
  • What super-power do you wish you had?
  • How do like to [relax, exercise, have fun, be spiritual, learn new things, help the community]?
  • Are you [half-full or half-empty; dog or cat; hot dog or hamburger; crowds, alone, or small groups; Las Vegas or Paris]?
  • If you could be the world’s foremost expert on something what would it be?
  • Do you [drink water out of the tap (Long Beach has good tap water!), shop 4th street vintage, take visitors to the Skinny House, go to Dirtbag games, ride any public transit]?