OK, this whole thing about me losing the intern, yeah, this has been overblown. Not surprisingly, it has been overblown by my dear friend and Miss Tina Louise impersonator, Asia Morris, who, in last week’s “The 7″ column, posited that I had abandoned the intern late at night in an area one might not want to abandon a young person and that the place I had abandoned them, while not a strip club, was “the kind place where you dance that way,” at least that’s what she claimed I said.
And while all of this is, for lack of a better term, true—yes, I left the intern someplace I was only too happy to leave immediately and yes, they do dance that way—it is important to remember that it was never my intention to lose the intern. Also, I must emphasize that the care and well-being of the intern was always foremost in my mind from the moment I hurriedly drove out of that parking lot—careful not to make eye contact with the two guys loading whatever they were into the trunk of that car—to the moment I arrived home, made popcorn, watched several episodes of “Toast of London,” showered, went to bed, woke up, worked out, took another shower, dressed, ate breakfast, drove to work, complained about parking, heard someone say “Anybody hear anything from the intern?” replied “What?” heard someone else say, “Steve, the intern. Where is the intern? We can’t find the intern. Did you lose the intern?” and answered with an emphatic and caring, “Wait, what?”
(It needs to be stated here that the intern was found and, according to the experts we’ve consulted, will be perfectly fine with proper journal therapy. Perfectly fine. Just fine. Fine-ish.)
Asia, of course, immediately took to “The 7,” last week, to intimate all manner of negligence on my part. It got so bad that I told her I thought we should end this weekly, back-and-forth, as we had crossed over to mining the entertainment value of missing persons. Asia considered the weight of this and, with all the humanity of which she is capable, replied: “Does this mean I win?!”
That led to a near-uninterrupted stream of “I win” chants, followed by jokes about a particularly traumatic event in my daughter’s life and then, Asia’s superiority swelling, a long diatribe questioning the toughness of all males, presenting as proof positive her own significant other who she said “has no tolerance for pain” given that he was tethered to the couch with such minor maladies as multiple fractures and contusions related to a serious cycling accident.
She then made the “Waaah! Waaah!” sound accompanied by requisite scrunchy face and repeated her claims that men are not “tough.” Less than 20 minutes later, this modern-day Achilles was near tears in the break room, shouting that she could not find her salad in the refrigerator. She then accused me of stealing the salad. She then began sifting through the garbage to retrieve what was left of my salad, demanding that I positively identify the refuse. She then asked me if I had a receipt for my salad. That is when I left. A minute later, Asia came bouncing out of the break room, happily holding her salad, explaining that it had been in the refrigerator the whole time, only “it had kinda been behind something.”
Hey, who wants to touch a truck?!?!?
Thursday
Artist Sandow Birk really has a thing for “The Divine Comedy.” The Los Angeles-based artist not only devoted five years to adapting the entirety of Dante’s epic poem into a three-volume work written in contemporary vernacular but also produced a film. The film, which sets Dante’s masterpiece poem in modern times with paper dolls playing the roles, has been featured at festivals throughout Europe and will be screened tonight only at Long Beach Museum of Art. The screening starts at 6 p.m. and space is limited, so reservations are required. Get there early or hustle up afterward and check out Birk’s “Monumental” exhibit at LBMA.
Long Beach Museum of Art is located at 2300 E. Ocean Blvd. For more information or reservations click here.
Friday
There was a time in Southern California when going to see Pink Floyd music accompanied by lasers was as much a right of passage as going to the Rocky Horror Show. It’s returned as a thing over the past few years, witness the success Carpenter Center at Cal State Long Beach has had presenting its Pink Floyd LaserSpectacular, which has played to sold-out audiences the past five times it’s been shown. The show features two hours of everything from “Dark Side of the Moon,” which spent nearly 1,000 weeks on the Billboard Top 200, to “The Wall.” The music will be playing out of the Center’s state-of-the-art sound system and will be accompanied by “computer-choreography flashes vivid projections and cutting edge laser technology.” When this was first shown in the ‘70s it was accompanied by other stuff, you know, but that’s all cool now.
Carpenter Center is located at 6200 Atherton St. For more information or tickets, click here.
Saturday
This is the sixth straight year that the Walter Pyramid at Cal State Long Beach will be the site of the 19th annual U.S. Sumo Open. The tournament will feature more than 70 sumo athletes, men and women, and more than 200 matches. Organizer Andrew Freund says his organization keeps coming back to Long Beach because “all 5,000 seats have a great view.” The tournament opens its doors at 10 but Freund advises newcomers to the sport to come on by around noon or 1 p.m. That will still mean you’ll see about three to four hours of action; constant action when you consider that an average sumo match lasts about 10 seconds or less.
Walter Pyramid is located at 1250 N Bellflower Blvd. For more information or tickets click here.
In less than 15 years, The Satin Dollz have spawned similar-performing companies overseas so that the performers who stage an entertainment reminiscent of a World War II USO camp show, do so all over the UK, Europe and North America. The shows are high energy, with big band music and dancing—tap dancing. There’s also big band music and banter—charming banter. Luckily for Long Beach residents, the Dollz have a sort of a monthly residency at The Federal and they’ll be playing there this Saturday. After the show, guests gain access through a secret hallway to an exclusive hidden bar for exclusive vintage cocktails.
The Federal is located at 102 Pine Ave. For more information, click here.
The exceptional Long Beach Chorale will perform Joseph Haydn’s “Mass in Time of War” at Grace First Presbyterian Church, tonight at 7 p.m. and Sunday at 4 p.m. This piece has long thought to express an anti-war message on behalf of the composer. Indeed, those only familiar with Haydn’s usual exuberance may be surprised to find a somewhat unsettled quality to the music which would convey a somewhat political message. That said, Joseph Haydn can’t help but write entertaining music rich with optimism and good humor and so you’ll hear that also. The chorale will perform it with a full orchestra as well as a quartet of soloists. Come hear them perform it before they take it to Carnegie Hall.
Grace First Presbyterian Church is located at 3955 N. Studebaker Rd. For tickets click here.
Sunday
This monthly trolley will take you through Bixby Knolls in search of beer—and it’s free
A taste of “Brewery Knolls” happens again this Sunday, with the “Beer Trolley” taking folks safely around to sample flavors from all the establishments pouring some excellent beer. The best part? It’s entirely free—the ride; not the beer—and loops between places constantly from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. For more information, read the above post.
Touch-A-Truck may be one of the oddest titled, great events around. Like so many genius things, the concept is simple: get a bunch of vehicles that kids obsess about—semis, firetrucks, police and military vehicles, construction equipment—put them all in the same place, in this case, the parking lot in front of Rosie’s Dog Beach, and let kids have at them. There will be about 100 vehicles on display, ready for kids, and the adults who love/tolerate them, to gawk at and sit in. There will also be about 10 trucks selling food, so bring water if you’re into that. Touch-A-Truck is one great benefit of having access to a kid; it gives you license to do things you really want to do, but wouldn’t normally feel comfortable doing on your own. Sadly, my kids are all grown. Hmmmm, wonder what the intern is up to?
For more information, click here.