SadnessDomestic Violence

I was not born mute, but throughout my youth I did not have a voice—any desire that I had to express myself vanished. I could not make out what it was, but something powerful consumed me.

I was fearful to speak up for myself. In middle school, this meant not asking for permission to use the restroom nor asking for help in math class.

I had trouble focusing during tests, was not motivated to preform well, and was socially awkward. I was the chubby-quiet-shy girl in class with very few friends.

When a heavy book fell from a desk, I would jump with anxiety and my heart would race while my classmates laughed and continued to work. It took me some time to readjust, and remember that I was safe in class.

I was also a frequent visitor at the nurse’s office, I complained and cried of stomachaches. And they believed me.

I am a child survivor of domestic violence.

For years I did not understand why bad things were happening at home and wanted to make it stop, in fact, most of my birthday wishes were wasted on the hope that it would end fast.

With so many repressed feelings, I wanted to fight back but carried hopelessness on my back.

Though I was never physically or sexually abused, and I didn’t witness the acts of abuse, I was heavily affected by the chaos at home.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, every year more than 10 million men and women are abused by an intimate partner, and 90% of the children who are exposed to domestic violence witness the violent acts.

The effects on children who are exposed to domestic violence are chilling. They may experience underdeveloped verbal, social, and learning skills, uncertainty of self and roles to fulfill, sadness, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

Some children loose so much sense of themselves, that they become “parentified.” This means that they take the role of a parent in an effort to try to gain control of the situation at home, and help protect the mother and siblings. While it may appear as a good quality, parentification results in high risk for poor mental and behavioral health outcomes.

While I am still easily startled by loud noises and experience nightmares, as a social worker and with the help of therapy, I now understand that my behavior as a young girl was influenced by the domestic violence that I was exposed to, and that an evil witch did not curse me.

As Halloween approaches, National Domestic Violence Awareness Month is coming to a close. But the true frightening and nerve-wrecking effects of this deadly epidemic must continue to speak loud, or thousands of our children will be haunted well beyond the 31st.

Jeanette Lomeli studied English Literature at California State University, Long Beach and is currently pursuing her Masters of Social Work at the University of Southern California. She is interning at Human Options, Inc., a domestic violence agency servicing Orange County.