The 7: Stuff to do this weekend, including … Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating!

Normally, at this point in “The 7,” we would be knee-deep in brilliance, shoving so much sophistication down your throat you’d be this close to throwing up, real classy-like, all over yourself.

But not this week. Not this “The 7.” Not when there is Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating. When there is Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating, all is rendered twee and meaningless. In fact, so amazing is Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating, that we’ve made an exception and moved the entire weekend to Wednesday so that Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating could be included as part of the weekend, proving that Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating not only changes lives but the very parameters of time and space.

Now, Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating is undeniably great but there are other great things happening this weekend; Twisted Christmas and Santa Paws and Boozy Pie to name a few. Just, whatever you do, stay out of the water!

WEDNESDAY

So here we are: Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating. Now, some of this event, taking place at Baddeley’s Pourhouse on Broadway, will go like any other speed dating event. Folks will have a set amount of time to spend with each other, sometimes painfully stilted “conversations” will take place—”Uh, so, do you like doin’, uh, stuff?”—and then some kind of signal will be given to inform everyone it’s time to move on.

Now observe the utter genius of Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating: the signal, we’re guessing, will be a sleigh bell and instead of people struggling to read each other’s body language and listen to their words to make conversation, all they have to do is look at their sweater!

Behold …

First person: I see your sweater intimates that Santa Claus enjoys alcohol to an extent that could be considered comical.

Second person: Indeed. And I observe that you are wearing a sweater with plastic red cups that suggests your concern about the disastrous effects of our consumer society. Also, you like to party.

First person. Marry me!

Second person: Why not?

Helping feed the magic will be plenty of Ketel One Botanical and Captain Morgan holiday drink specials. Everything gets started at 7:30 p.m. but you’ll need to RSVP through the above link. Oh, did we mention that this is free? Well, being at the event. The booze costs like it always does. Oh, and there is one other proviso, the dating part of the event is for people from 26 to 36 years of age. Apparently, they are the only ones who are deserving of love. Cool.

Baddeley’s Pourhouse is located at 3348 East Broadway.

THURSDAY

Harvelle’s Burlesque is one of the city’s hidden gems. So much so that a lot of people don’t know the thing exists. It does, right next to, and under, Congregation Ale House. As you can see from the above video, Harvelle’s burlesque melds old with new, tradition with contemporary edge.

They’ll be putting on a new Christmas show tonight, featuring, 26 burlesque and boylesque performers. We haven’t seen Harvelle’s Christmas show yet but since they’re calling “Twisted Christmas with Dirty Little Secrets Burlesque” we’re assuming the term “Naughty and Nice” will be used liberally.

Harvelle’s Long Beach is located at 201 East Broadway.

FRIDAY

You know, we couldn’t find anything that piqued our interest today so do what you want just, please, whatever you do, for the love of all that is good and non-toxic, stay out of the water!

SATURDAY

We were talking not too long ago with the wonderful Kate Karp about that amazing little dog, Chloe. Kate told us about the outpouring of support for Chloe, which is wonderful. It reminded us that people, when moved, will do wonderful things for animals.

Thing of it is, unfortunately, there are always other Chloes. Oh, perhaps not in such poor condition from such horrific abuse, but there are always cats and dogs in need of our help. And that’s where Santa Paws comes in.

Justin Rudd’s Operation Santa Paws is accepting donations for needy animals and also needs assistance in collecting and delivering all the goodies to local shelters. Click on the above link to see what’s needed and what isn’t— for safety or housekeeping concerns, stuffed toys, tennis balls, rawhide items and pig ears will not be accepted.

Oh, and to the soulless twerp who did that to Chloe, may we suggest a nice holiday dip in the ocean? Water’s fine!

So there will be a full moon tonight and those in the astrological know say because it will be a 0 degrees Cancer, it means that it will be about excitement, positive change and pleasant surprises. Add passive aggressive, humble-bragging greeting cards and that pretty much says Christmas to me!

Energy Haus will be hosting a Full Moon Ceremony beginning at 6 p.m. and running to 9 p.m. It costs $20, and space is limited, but Moon Folk say that this moon could encourage wealth and romance. Of course, for the latter, it wouldn’t hurt to help nature along with a funny sweater.

Energy Haus is located at 3300 East Broadway.

The Hellada Art Galley will be hosting its Winter festival tonight from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. The gallery, which prides itself on presenting a diverse collection of Long Beach art and artists, will be in the midst of a sale of what it’s calling “Affordable Art Works,” so class up your gift giving right away.

There will also be a mini-music fest of sorts, headlined by folk-rock artist Erik Garcia and his band, the evening will also feature the likes of Deathbox the Whip, Broken House, Innocent Soul, plus lots more. Basically, you’ll be looking at art, listening to music, buying some art, listening to more music, all in all, not a bad way to spend a few hours. Or five.

Hellada Gallery is located at 117 Linden Avenue.

SUNDAY

Well, we’ve gotten all the way to the end and, whattya know, we may have found a rival for Ugly Christmas Sweater Speed Dating. Impossible you say? Wise up and bow down to … Boozy Holiday Pie Making Class!

From 2 to 5 p.m., Ollie’s Kitchen will be hosting this one-day event where you’ll learn to make crust and filling from scratch. A pie made with skill and a little bit of love. Also, booze.

You’ll be able to choose from Bourbon Pecan Pie, Cranberry Citron Tart, Persimmon Pear Brandy Pie and Mulled Wine Apple Pie.

Guests will take home one of their choosing, all the recipes and enjoy Ollie’s Kitchen snacks, pie tastings and paired libations throughout the class. Basically, the best day ever.

You’ll have to be older than 21 and it’s strongly requested that you Uber.

Ollie’s Kitchen is located at 6009 E. Seaside Walk, No. 3.

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Steve Lowery began his journalism career at the Los Angeles Times, where he planned to spend his entire career. God, as usual, laughed at his plans and he has since written for the short-lived sports publication The National, the L.A. Daily News, the Press-Telegram, New Times LA, the District and the OC Weekly. He is the Arts & Culture Editor for the Post, overseeing the Hi-lo.
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