America and the Winter Olympics have a weirder relationship than Khloe and Lamar. The Winter Games provided our single biggest moment in Olympic History (the Miracle on Ice) but yet when Subway wants to do an Olympic ad they could only come up with a star from the Summer games, Michael Phelps (perhaps they thought his recreational activities fit in well with the snowboard crowd.) I think part of the awkwardness comes from the fact that America isn’t a year-round winter wonderland the way countries like Norway or Canada are; most Winter Olympic countries are whiter than a 90s NBC sitcom. To these countries shooting a rifle and then skiing a long-distance seem like the ultimate athletic endeavors, meanwhile American wonders why we can’t do the shooting portion from a helicopter. Even weirder is the fact that America’s most dominant winter athlete (Shaun White) comes from California, and Southern California at that. But yet there is one Olympic sport that speaks to us, that rises above all others, that is so uniquely fascinating that it is impossible to look away: curling.
I dare you to watch curling for 3 minutes and then change the channel; you can’t, you’ll be hooked. I am actually proud to say that this past Sunday I watched 9 solid hours of curling (taking breaks only for the NASCAR race and the epic USA/Canada hockey game.) In fact the only portion of the Olympics that I have watched that didn’t involve an American team was the epic United Kingdom/Canada match (as much as I wanted to cheer against Canada during these entire games I couldn’t help but be moved by the crowd singing “O Canada” so loudly that the game had to be stopped, it turned out to be the turning point of the match.) But even to Americans, curling is so popular it’s practically got its own channel during these games: CNBC (the “C” stands for curling!) But ultimately there is one question left: why? Why is curling so fascinating?
I’ve got a few theories:
The Weirdness
There can be little argument that curling is unlike any other sport. Yes, I know what you’re about to say: “Sport? Curling’s not a sport.” And look- you’re not wrong- but my definition of sport will always have 3 requirements 1) there needs to be a winner and a loser, otherwise it’s not a competition it’s a way to keep a 9-year-old entertained. 2) All participants need to understand they are involved (sorry horseracing but nothing’s going to convince me that you’re a sport, short of Mr. Ed telling me to take him to Place in the Seventh.) 3) There can be no judges (figure skating you’re out– if Johnny Weir’s involved I will need to choose my words better. Anything that doesn’t have a standardized scoring but instead is a judgment call isn’t a sport.)
Good, now back to curling being unique- unique like watching a slow-speed car chase unique- you just can’t look away. Would curling still be interesting if it were on every weekend? Probably not. But bowling wouldn’t suddenly be fun to watch just because it was on for only two weeks every four years. We’re talking about an Olympic event that has brooms involved, actual brooms! This would be like someone telling me there’s an Olympic event that centers around riding a couch down a waterfall, how would you not watch that?
The Barroom Element
I know some people say that it’s just shuffleboard on ice. And you know what- if shuffleboard were an Olympic event I’d watch that too. If darts were an Olympic event I’d watch that- except that Olympic bylaws prevent anything that England is good at from ever becoming a sport. But that’s what makes curling so great- how many Olympic events are actually great barroom drinking games? Downhill skiing? You’d die if you’re doing jack-and-cokes between runs; but curling? I’m sure that booze only improves someone’s curling skills- in fact nothing can convince me that the US team wasn’t drunk this whole time, except for the fact that they sucked.
Which speaks to the true power of curling- when’s the last time you watched an Olympic event that the US isn’t good at? Did you watch the Nordic Combined? Did you even know that the Nordic Combined was an actual event- I’m willing to bet you thought it was something you saw on an infomercial. But we love curling, despite the fact that the US teams are a combined 4 and 1276 (seriously how many curling matches are there? I’ve literally watched the women’s team play at least twice a day since ¾ of the flame was lit.)
The cuties
There’s one element I’d be remiss in ignoring: Curlers are cute. They don’t have Beach Volleyball watchability but they certainly have your friend’s cute sister watchability. Thankfully the Cold War is over so I can point out that the Russian team was top-shelf, even half the German team was quite impressive (although the other half looked like Disney villainesses, I think one of them was going home to eat Hansel and Gretel.) They’re not Lindsay Vonn bending over in Spandex on the cover of SI, instead they’re wholesome, cute, a little too bundled up. Except for the Danish curler who posed naked…ah, not that I went looking for those pictures.
The Strategy
However, attractive participants can’t cover up a terrible game (RIP Lingerie football league) which suggests that there is something about curling that is actually entertaining. Aaron Sorkin (playwright and stoner) believes that America never truly embraced hockey or soccer because we like plays, set pieces, breaks in the action where everybody pauses and holds their breath- basically we want bottom of the ninth, we want 4th down, we want 24 seconds left down by 2 points. We want the drama to build rather than the nonstop pace that soccer and hockey provide. And when you think about sports like that, suddenly curling’s appeal makes more sense. It’s like chess for moderately intelligent people. We love the strategy of trying to score two or hold on for last stone in the next end.
There are a lot of questions that have arisen during these Olympics: what was that young lady doing on her knees in front of that snowboarder? Why does every Olympian’s profile picture look like a DUI mugshot? Why does NBC continually choose to humanize athletes from other countries when they know I’m only watching to cheer against them for not being American? And of course, why curling?
Ultimately even the most die-hard curling enthusiast understands that like POGs and Dane Cook, curling has just been a fad and two weeks from now we’ll move on to something else. But it still begs the question: why did curling get a half-month as our National Pastime? Could cute athletes really propel a quirky sport from our barrooms to our living rooms? Or were we just watching curling to apologize to the people who have to live in the Dakotas the way we all cheered for the Saints to apologize for Katrina? Maybe we just watched it because it was the only thing NBC didn’t bother to tape-delay, maybe NBC was pushing it on us the whole time- one of the US curlers does look suspiciously like Pam from The Office.
But for now, fare well curling, I’ll miss you these next 208 weeks when you won’t cross my mind. But next Winter Olympics we’ll be reunited…unless shooting things from helicopters finally becomes an official event.