This weekend marks the start of the best soccer in the world- the English Premier League- and a great many of you are already on board.  But for the rest of you, I have some helpful advice as to who you should support.

Usually you have no more a choice of who your team is as you do who your family is.  It’s just something that you’re born into…and God help you if you’re stuck with the Clippers.  But the wonderful thing about beginning to follow a foreign league is the freedom- you actually get to choose who to cheer for.

When you begin your search for a team there are a few things you want to look for.  First, you want a team that you can be proud of (i.e. no shady owner.)  Also, you want a team that’s good (because cheering for a team that gets relegated is no fun at all.)  And lastly you want a team that is fun to watch (which means avoiding Sam Allardyce.  Think of the way the Knicks played in the 90s and you’ll know what I’m trying to save you from.) 

There’s one team above all others that meets that description:  Arsenal FC.  So with impartially thrown out the window, I’ll tell you why I support them, and why you should too.

Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be…

“The Gunners” are practically the Green Bay Packers of North London.  Like the Packers, Arsenal doesn’t have an owner in the traditional sense but instead is owned by “shareholders.”   Sports might be the only place left in the world where a board of shareholders is actually an improvement.

Recently Premier League teams have become playthings for oil men from Dubai, questionable men from the former USSR, and even a handful of American billionaires.  And Arsenal has fought them all off…except when they haven’t: the team is currently in a tug-of-war between an American whose worst offense is being part owner of the St Louis Rams, and a Russian whose worst offense is much worse than that.  The boardroom currently has more drama than The Hills but at least Arsenal isn’t scripted. 

And I swear that I don’t have a gun…

But if you’re going to cheer for Arsenal you need a real Cliff’s Notes history of them: it’s not just the ownership that is similar to the Packers- their founding and even their names share parallel origins.  Arsenal in 1886 was simply the company team for the workers at Woolwich Royal Arsenal.  That’s right- the “Arsenal” name came from an actual arsenal.  Think about your company’s softball team; now imagine 125 years from now that your company’s softball team is one of the best teams in the world.  Weird.  I’m going to go get my Economy Paint Supply jersey signed just so I’m prepared. 

I’m lucky to have met you 

I’m sure you’re tired of the Packer analogies but there’s still a little more.  For instance, Arsenal’s Vince Lombardi was Herbert Chapman- except that Chapman was coaching before Lombardi was born and was not just a genius on the field but off the field as well.  Chapman helped create a more attacking frame of mind and pushed for better fitness among his players.  It’s ground-breaking when you think that on this side of the pond the best athlete of the day was a 500-pound Babe Ruth.  

But Chapman’s real legacy might be in using outdoor lights so his players could train after dark-something Wrigley Field wouldn’t figure out for another 60 years- and the then-revolutionary concept of having his players wear numbers on their jerseys.  He also won a little bit too (an FA Cup and 2 League Titles).  Chapman would have cured polio were he not distracted by soccer.

Chapman of course is in the Hall of Fame, but the fact that it took 70 years to name a trophy after him is a crime.  He was like Mr. Miyagi and Gordon Bombay rolled into one. 

You know you’re right

Obviously there’s a lot of history that we’re skipping, but I’ll leave that to Fever Pitch.  Nick Hornby’s autobiography is a must-read for any true Gunners fan; it’s not just the story of Arsenal, it is further proof that men can only relate to each other emotionally through sports.  It is a wonderful book and should in no way be tainted by Jimmy Fallon or the American bastardization.  Hornby talks about a lot of things, namely: Liam Brady, the thinking man’s midfielder, and that the worst thing he ever did to his step brother was to make him love Arsenal. 

So let’s jump to 1996 and Arsene Wenger.  “The Professor” has been Arsenal’s manager for 13 years; he has a degree in Electrical Engineering and a master’s in Economics.  He speaks six languages and he is so obsessed with that soccer that it would have put him in a mental institution if he weren’t so successful at it. 

If you watch a home game for Arsenal, behind one of the goals you will see a home-made banner that reads “In Arsene We Trust.”  Which is to say: he’s kind of like God but with a better midfield.  And with unparalleled success in his first 8 years, that was easy to believe.  But it’s been 4 full years since Arsenal has won a trophy and frankly there are more and more Arsene-atheists.  The wolves are at the door for Arsene and yet he hasn’t changed his style.  There’s something admirable about being so sure of yourself but then again that attitude also leads some men to disaster…*cough* George W. Bush *cough*. 

Arsene is from a time before billionaires came into the sport.  And obviously that time wasn’t long ago.  He’s from a time when things were done the right way and he knew what a player was worth; but now Arsene is essentially the old man trying to pay a quarter for a movie ticket because that’s what it used to cost.

Teams now lose millions each year while charging fans more than ever before.  And there is Arsene, trying to maintain a balanced book (damn you Economics degree!) while trying to field a strong team.  This has led to some great players leaving for more money elsewhere, and it’s left a void while Arsene tries to develop young talent rather than overpay for superstars. 

Smells like teen spirit

Cesc Fabergas, now the Captain and old man at 22 years old, made his debut at 16 years old.  Theo Walcott made his debut at 17.  This year big things are expected of Aaron Ramsey (18 years old) and Jack Wilshere (17.)  To become an Arsenal fan is a statement that you trust in Arsene, because he’s clearly not going to change.  It sounds like a plot to a bad Keanu Reeves movie but to cheer for Arsenal now is to make a commitment to a set of kids.  

Here we are now.  Entertain us.

The reason Arsene has focused on youth is because he wants to train them to play the right way.  It’s like the anti-AAU league.  No show-boating, no selfishness.  Make the pass, then make another one.  Fluid football.  What’s the point of playing, if you’re not playing the right way? 

And that is why you need to cheer for Arsenal- it’s not just for clean hands in the boardroom, or for the humble origins, it’s for Arsene.  It’s for Liam Brady (now head of Youth Development.)  It’s because they’re standing on the cusp of something big…or of falling into the money-stained game that everyone else plays.  It’s Moneyball but with integrity.  And when it’s done right, it’s the best in the world.

Most American fans cheer for Manchester United or Chelsea.  Ask them why and you’ll get the response “because they’re good.”  And they are; they’re the best teams money can buy.  But for those of us that want something more, for those of us that have a choice as to who we will love, there is Arsenal.  With their extra pass and their massively unfulfilled potential. 

Now is the time to love them, when they can reestablish their glory.  Now is the time to support a team that you can watch grow for the next ten years.  Now is the time to follow the Gunners; and you will be richly rewarded. 

Or maybe Nick Hornby was right, and making someone cheer for Arsenal is the meanest thing you’ll ever do to them.