We are men. Well, some of us are. Okay, only about half of us are. But for today, all of us are going to be men. And as men, you shouldn’t care what shoes you wear. You shouldn’t care if your clothes match, or if they’re even clean. You shouldn’t care what your clothes ‘say about you.’ Except for one key time—when you wear a jersey. When you wear a jersey you are saying something about yourself; not just what team you cheer for, or what player you like. Your jersey says a lot more than that. If you wear a Falcons #7 “Vick” jersey, you are saying “I don’t like PETA.” If you wear a Falcons #7 “Ron Mexico” jersey, you are saying “I like sports blogs.” Sometimes your jersey statement is clear-cut, other times it’s not. So, for your convenience, I wanted to let you know what your jersey says about you.
Jersey: Any offensive linemen’s jersey
What it says: That you’re a real fan
Every time the Chargers play the Colts, there are a handful of Colt fans that wear “Jeff Saturday #63” jerseys. I have a ton of respect for those fans. A Peyton Manning jersey says you like commercials, a Marvin Harrison jersey says you support allegedly shooting a guy. But wearing an OL’s jersey, particularly one that is as important as Jeff Saturday, is the sign of a nuanced fan. No position in sports gets less respect from the fans then the offensive line (except maybe for punter, but Mike Scifres is trying to change that), so support the guys in the trenches.
Jersey: Brett Favre as a Jet
What is says: That you’re okay with how things went down
Make no mistake, Brett Favre and the Packers had a nasty divorce. And as in all divorces we were forced to choose sides. But despite the public bad blood, you couldn’t turn around this past Fall without seeing a new Jets #4 jersey—It was the top seller in the league. People were okay with Brett Favre and they wanted to say that; no better way than a jersey.
Jersey: Brett Favre as a Packer
What is says: That guy in New York is an impostor
There were a great many fans that stayed with the Packers, and got a new Aaron Rodgers jersey to prove it. But there were other fans, the passive-aggressive fans, who stayed with their #4 Green Bay jersey without acknowledging that anything was wrong. Those fans are simply saying: Brett Favre retired as a Packer, you hear me!?! He…retired…as…a…Packer!
Jersey: Joe Montana #16 San Francisco 49ers
What it says: That your team has fallen on hard times
I have had Charger season tickets since 2004 and my seats overlook the Field Section. Directly below me in the middle of the Field Section is a guy that wears a Joe Montana jersey. Every time. Well almost every time, because sometimes he wears a Roger Craig jersey, and I think I once saw him in a Ronnie Lott jersey. Mind you this guy has had season tickets to the Chargers for at least 5 full seasons, but there he is, every week, wearing a San Francisco Forty-Niners jersey. Clearly there are 2 things going on; 1) The Niners have fallen on hard times and this guy is looking for a new team (while not abandoning his old one.) 2) This guy was directly responsible for the Niners’ dynasty in the 80s AND the Chargers turnaround since 2004. This man is powerful.
Jersey: OJ Simpson, USC Trojans #32
What it says: That there is nothing (nothing!) a Heisman-trophy winner can do to lose your support
The University of Southern California has a football history as storied as any in the country. The Trojans have as many Heisman Trophy winners as anyone, including 3 winners since 2002. So why would you wear Juice’s jersey?
You want to say you’re flashy? Wear Reggie’s #5 jersey. You want to say you’re loud-mouthed? Wear Keyshawn’s #3 jersey. You want to say you’re a baby’s-daddy? Wear Leinart’s #11 jersey. Go old-school and wear Seau’s #55, go hard-hitting and wear Polamalu’s #43, heck go unique and create a Pete Carroll jersey. There is a lot to be proud of with this program, so why are you wearing the one jersey that negates all the other good will?
Jersey: Glasgow Celtic jersey to a Los Angeles Galaxy/Rangers FC game
What it says: The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
If you’re going to a concert, don’t wear that band’s shirt—we know you like that band, that’s why you’re there. Instead wear another musician’s merch, as long as that musician is somewhat similar—wearing a Yanni shirt to a Metallica concert is not OK. Sports are slightly different though, if you’re going to a game you should only wear the merch of a team that you are going to see. There is one exception—it is ok to wear a jersey of a team not playing, if that team is the arch-rival of someone playing.
Each year the Los Angeles Galaxy schedule a big international opponent for an exhibition game. A few years ago they brought in one-half of the biggest rivalry in the world, the Glasgow Rangers. The Rangers and Celtic both play in Glasgow which naturally leads to a rivalry, except that Celtic have taken on a Catholic (and North Irish independence) fanbase while Rangers are Protestant and have the English Lion as their symbol. This is not a normal two-teams, one-city rivalry; this is a blood-feud that incorporates religion and politics. Suffice it to say, when it was announced that the Rangers were coming to LA, every Celtic fan in the area bought tickets…and weapons.
Jersey: Any pink, bedazzled, QB Jersey
What it says: That you’re at this game because of your boyfriend
Self-explanatory
Jersey: Chargers “Merriman” #96 jersey
What it says: You’re impulsive (or just really cheap)
Shawne Merriman was drafted as a defensive end/linebacker hybrid and in training camp with the Chargers he was given a DE’s number (96). Before training camp was done, Merriman had decided that he wanted to wear a linebacker’s number (56). Mind you, this was 2004. So why in January of 2009 are you wearing a “Merriman 96” jersey? Are you such a fan that you rushed out and bought his first jersey number, but yet somehow have not purchased another jersey in the last 4+ years? Or are you so cheap that the only jersey you’ve purchased is a #96 jersey that was on clearance? There is a slight possibility that you think this jersey—Merriman’s absolute first—shows you knew he was going to be good before anyone else. But isn’t that like buying Bosom Buddies on DVD because Tom Hanks was really good in Forrest Gump?
The #96 jersey is dead (and was never even used in a game) so get over it, and get a new jersey. But when you do, take a moment to think about what that jersey will say about you.