The end has finally come and it was just as deflating and anticlimactic as I knew it would be.
The Cowboys are not in the playoffs which means that you won’t have to read any more of this column. It also means I won’t have to reassess my life decisions every Monday. [Ed: Wow, where does that come from?]
I’ve never been a fan of rollercoasters, you can ask my mom. She’s the one that would sit with me on the bench outside the exit gate while the rest of the family went on the ride as I wiped away tears. [Ed: Oh, I see.]
This year, I went on the Cowboys’ loop-de-loop with the usual disastrous outcome, but, having been a fan of this outfit for this long, I’ve long since lost the ability to cry. Though they still make me want to puke every now and then.
While I knew the writing was on the wall, I did dedicate some time on Sunday to pirate the Eagles game as it was the only game that mattered after the Cowboys fumbled away control of their season last weekend.
The sad scene played out with my laptop on my coffee table and the NFL Red Zone channel on the big screen as I simultaneously tracked the updates of the Cowboys and Eagles. The playoff scenario was so simple and attainable: win and have the Giants beat the Eagles and the Boyz are in. But putting your faith in the Giants is like putting your faith in the Cowboys. The Boyz won, but so did the Eagles.
In reality, the Cowboys’ 47-16 thrashing of Washington was a fitting end to a deflating season. On one hand, they absolutely dominated an outgunned teamed. On the other hand, that was the story of the year.
A team that seemingly had it all could only flaunt it when it was on the field with the worst the league had to offer. It ended the season with one win against a team with a winning record at the time they played them despite outscoring opponents by 113 points on the season.
In doing so, the Cowboys accomplished something historic. Since 1990 there have been 163 teams in the NFL that have had a point differential of 100 or more points over the course of the season and the Cowboys became the only team to not finish with a winning record.
Excuse me while I drop what I’m doing to run to the trophy shop to have a plaque created to commemorate this. I think I’ll hang it next to the ones that highlight the fact that they haven’t appeared in an NFC championship game in 25 years and one that celebrates that the Boyz haven’t made the playoffs three years in a row since 1994-1996.
This column keeps receipts and they’re only of my pain.
America’s Team has become America’s laughing stock. The only ones not in on the joke are people like me. Disclaimer, I’m not a regular Cowboys fan, I’m cool. No, really…
The editor of this column [Ed: How ya doin’?] has continued to drop ominous hints that the absence of action means that Garrett is coming back as coach. I think he wants to ensure that there will be plenty of pain for next season’s column. [Ed: Next season? Who said anything about a next season?]
As for the rest of you (I’m looking at you, Mom), thank you for indulging us in this experiment. I hope that reading about my frustration and indignities have made you feel like a better person. Because, honestly, you are.
Today is the last day of 2019 and, depending on who you ask, the decade as well. So, as the Cowboys are now figuratively toast, I’ll end this last entry with a toast [Ed: Oh, Jason] to you and your teams for a better 2020 and beyond.
Unless you’re a Patriots fan. In that case, here’s hoping you hire Jason Garrett.