Flipping through the latest issue of Sports Illustrated (which is filled to the staples with Lakers/Celtics previews), JJ and I were discussing our impending Lakers coverage and realizing there was nothing new to say. No knock on us, we say new stuff all the time: but even with our considerable powers combined, there was just nothing doing. So instead we decided to invite our good friend Ryan ZumMallen over to watch the game, and JJ and I (huge Lakers fans) grumbled back and forth with Zoomy (not a huge Lakers fan). This is roughly how that went (the numbers before each point are the scores, with the Lakers always first (always)).
Pregame: JJ and I notice that, for some reason, we don’t own any Lakers gear. This is weird, because we own gear for every other team we follow. Perhaps it’s to make up for other fans’ car flags? Also, the trophy image on the court is way too big. It’s obscene.
10-10: Kobe is picking awkward shots, but nobody is panicking. We’ve seen this before, he’ll probably do a lot of passing in the second quarter and then open up the flood gates in the second half.
14-14: The first of what we all assume will be many bad backcourt calls, caused by the ref not being able to see the halfcourt line, due to the aforementioned obscenely large trophy image. The thing obliterates everything else on the court. It’s like an eclipse. An eclipse which apparently has a home team bias, unfortunately.
After first quarter: We just watched a commercial for Clippers season tickets. Isn’t that cute? “Wanna come look at the Lakers championship banners but only have to pay half as much? Come to a Clippers game!”
24-29: JJ asks us, as we’ve been asking ourselves all game, “Why does Jeff Van Gundy have a job?” He is currently talking about how great Phil Jackson looks, and speculating about how he keeps his skin looking so good. Zoomy is acting aloof, but he also seems to be paying attention to see if Van G drops any hints.
26-29: For the 100th time this game, Mark Jackson refers to Kevin Garnett as “pumped up.”
35-40: Sam Cassell takes a charge from Kobe. Zoomy points out that he had to have position, because Cassell can’t move his feet even when he’s trying to. Upon replay and despite physics, this theory seems to be wrong.
Halftime: JJ points out that in the halftime speeches, Doc Rivers sounds like a high school coach, while Phil has something specific to say about the game. Zoomy goes off on a rant about how “this is the problem with Lakers fans.” According to Zoom, Lakers fans are all about denigrating the other team as opposed to appreciating their own. He says he can’t imagine a Laker fan appreciating, in the slightest, a game the Lakers lost. I point out that this is a hallmark of all passionate fan bases. I also point out that I am saddened by Zoomy’s inability to appreciate Lakers fans.
62-59: First Pierce goes down with what looked like a bad knee injury, and now Perk is out. A bad turn for a team with no bench. I think advertising prices for the next two games just halved.
62-62: Moments later, Pierce is back in the game, hopping! Literally hopping! What a drama queen, he was just carried off the floor moments ago, and now he’s skipping around. And the crowd is eating it up! I smell a conspiracy here…
62-63: For the second time tonight (in unrelated instances), Marc Summers, host of Doube Dare, is mentioned.
69-68: Kobe alley-oop from Fish! Oh!!!!!!!!!! I can hear the entire city shaking! JJ is beating my door with closed fists like it just took his wallet. Zoomy is, once more, aloof.
71-75: Paul Pierce just made two consecutive threes from the exact same spot. I think that knee is doing just fine…and that conspiracy smells a little stronger. The Celtics know they can’t beat the Lakers straight up, so they fake an injury to the franchise player, carry him off the court, then have him bounce in and knock down a few threes. Right? Who’s with me?
73-77: It pains me to say it, but I believe JJ is a jinx. I think his overconfidence is hurting Kobe’s shot. He may also have been responsible for Wilson’s CIF Championship loss.
86-94: I hate Kevin Garnett. No, Mark Jackson, I don’t care how “pumped up” he is about that dunk, I hate him.
88-94: It seems like the “Let ’em play” philosophy is out the window, as the Lakers can’t turn in a circle without getting a foul called.
88-96: The Laker defense still looks okay (other than their inability to grab a rebound!!!), but they can’t hit any shots right now. Zoomy wisely points out that they’re settling for bad shots, but still…they usually hit one or two of those when they need them.
88-98: Horrifyingly, the game is interrupted by an Amber Alert. I scream at the television that nobody is going to be able to put the Alert to use because everyone is watching the Lakers game, or at least trying to. I get a few dirty looks for this that I have to admit are probably deserved. Still, I’ve never seen a game get interrupted for one of these notices, and I’m almost glad it’s not close.
End of the game: Man, that was terrible. That’s the worst rebounding the Lakers have had all playoffs. Still, with Kobe shooting under 33%, and the awful rebounding, and the ridiculous “triumphant” moment for Boston when their star returned after a devastating two minute and forty three second injury, they only managed to beat us by ten. JJ and I are convinced game two will be different. Zoomy is, of course, smug and aloof. Maybe he’s more of a Lakers fan than he lets on.