Alright, legions of fans, I’ll level with you—this is the fourteenth time I’ve tried to write this article. I wanted these columns to be funny, and since I was only planning on writing them for home games, I assumed they all would be—after all, the Bolts were 15-1 at home in the last two seasons headed into last weekend’s game against the Carolina Panthers. And now they’re 15-2, and, frankly, it’s not very funny. But I’m going to do my best to explain what the hell happened, and, if you’re a Chargers fan, cheer you up a little. We rolled with a ton of people, so this week’s column contains uncredited and unappreciated insight from Ryan “Leaky Pipes” Thies, J.J. “Jack Murphy” Fiddler, Shar “My Wife” Higa, Matt “Poly Correspondent” Guardabascio, Paula “My Mom” Anderson, and Holly “Lives in St. Louis But Still Hates the Rams Thank God” Anderson. The good bits are mine, though.
1. I’ve never been to a game at the Q where there were so few fans of the opposing team. The first year I went, to see a Niners game while I was still in high school, there were probably two times as many people in red as in blue—that number adjusted after LT was drafted of course, but still it’s never been as overwhelmingly Bolt-heavy as today. Makes sense though: the Panthers are a young franchise from the east—what the hell kind of person would be rooting for them in SoCal?
2. Random jersey spot: this is the kind of guy, right in front of me, wearing the dumbest jersey I’ve ever seen. He spent a hundred bucks on this! It’s a Panthers custom thing, number 2, with the name on the back reading “This Year.” Yeah. Right.
3. The defensive intensity is utterly lacking early—is it because of Merriman’s injury? For that matter, where are the rest of the LBs—it seems like all linemen and DBs making tackles today.
4. Generous reffing—Jammer’s had two plays that should have been PIs in the first half (his average) and neither have been flagged. A homer crowd has its advantages…
5. I just realized that Jamal Williams has not been in on most of these plays. JW is a defensive tackle, and thus not a huge name, but as a huge run plugger and a huger body, he’s a large part of why the linebackers are so good, since he soaks up two offensive lineman and gives them room to run around. Is his absence part of why the defense looks so—forgive me—soft?
6. Julius Peppers is big.
7. Julius Peppers doesn’t like it when you yell at his punter. Ahem.
8. The refs just blew a play dead—or at least, I thought they did, till the ref explained that the “whistle” came from the fans. Next play, 60,000 people do a two-finger whistle as loud as they can. Ear-splitting, but hilarious. I assume the refs will be less generous from here on out.
9. Aside from Merriman and JW, another big guy we could have used today is Lorenzo Neal, maybe the best blocking fullback in the history of the league, who led the way for LT the last several seasons before moving to Baltimore this year. Lo Neal has made a lot of good backs great, and a lot of us worried about how the Bolts would run without him. The Ravens rushed for 230 yards today. The Chargers? 105. Uh-oh.
10. The awful Panthers fan in front of us keeps holding up a sign in front of us—I’d stop her, but good things happen whenever she blocks the play. Proof that instant karma exists…
11. Two dudes just got arrested in the aisle next to us, the first for being drunk and trying to fight, and the second for being drunk and trying to fight the cop. You stay classy, San Diego.
12. THROW OVER THE MIDDLE, NORV!!! THEY’RE GIVING US THAT SPACE ALL GAME LONG!!! Ahem. Sorry. Sometimes I can’t help myself.
13. The defensive intensity is starting to show here in the fourth. Is this team finding its feet? Cason is an absolute baller at CB, and needs a starting job—I’m not just saying this because he’s from Long Beach. His natural tools and his form are both perfect, and that forced fumble kept us in the game.
14. I’m not going to talk about the last play of the game. Heartmurdering.
15. SERIOUSLY, NORV!?! NO PASSES TO LT! AT ALL?!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING?! NO SWING PLAYS, NOTHING IN THE FLAT?! Really really really sorry about that. No, I take that back, I’m not. I hate Norv Turner.
16. Next column will be less bitter, I promise—if, that is, the defense finds its heart and the coaching staff diversifies the offensive playcalling and puts LT in a position to win games. That’s all I ask.