MONDAY, DEC. 30

Is “Cats” bad? Yes. “Cats” is so bad. It is bizarre and unwittingly terrifying, like being forced to witness the consequences of a roadside collision between a packed clown car and the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

So, why are we recommending it? Because it is bizarre and unwittingly terrifying, like being fortunate to witness the consequences of a roadside collision between a packed clown car and the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile!

Nothing works. The dialogue is ridiculous and, in some instances, impenetrable. The story is… is there a story? Even the CGI doesn’t work, since many times the actors portraying cats move like animatronic characters at a defiled, third-tier regional theme park.

It’s so bad that there are times, many times, that their CGI feet, paws, whatever, don’t seem to be actually on the CGI ground. And then there is the fact that the actors as CGI cats are the stuff of fevered dreams, so completely freaky that the experience of them was likened by Academy Award-winning actress Brie Larson to the “dream you would have if you smoked meth in a Petco.”

So, again, why are we recommending it?

Because there is no point during the proceedings that you will be bored. Not as Jennifer Hudson cries at every point she is on screen—happy, sad, attacked, triumphant, doesn’t matter; sobs—not as Judi Dench seems as scared as we are about what is happening, not as you repeatedly ask yourself, “What the hell is happening?”

It will keep you thinking, keep you interested, fascinated and freaked, even through an interminable musical number featuring Taylor Swift in which the American pop star shows off the worst British accent this side of Dick Van Dyke in “Mary Poppins.” Trust me, you will never say, or hear the phrase  “not there” the same again.

Is “Cats” bad? So bad. And that is so, so good.

Another great thing: How good this movie will make you feel about yourself. No, no, no, not in that, walking on air, snapping your fingers, kinda way great art does, but in the knowledge that even the likes of Academy Award-winning directors like Tom Hooper and heavyweight acting talent such as Dench, Idris Elba and Ian McKellen, can produce dreck. Kind of gives you a warm feeling heading into the new year, no?

Giving us a moment’s pause:

“Cats” is playing citywide.