Wood is Good: PornHub Plants Trees While You Watch Sleeze • Long Beach Post

Note: This article contains adult content so honestly, keep pedaling if those kinda things offend you. The birds and the bees depend on it.


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While cities which are home to JetBlue vie against one another to get more greenery for their scenery, there’s another company—somewhat on the opposite side of the spectrum—who is avoiding picking specific cities and just doing that all-too-old-school thing known as tree planting.

And it’s being done in that all-too-American thing known as free porn. Yes, PornHub—one of the internet’s foremost providers of insta-gratification for all ‘Bators of all desires and sizes—has decided to give America wood in more ways than one.

The move comes in the name of Arbor Day, which was April 25 but like all things in porn, PornHub prefers bigger and longer: for the entire week surrounding Arbor Day, the company will dedicate 1 tree for every 100 videos watched in the hub’s Big Dick category (Richards of the world are cheering). Thus far, thousands of trees are soon-to-be planted as viewers situate themselves toward videos dedicated to the most blessed of men in the downstairs department (James Deen can now officially call himself a pornstar, activistand environmentalist—there goes the whole actor/singer/dancer triple threat).

Call it phallocentric (absolutely but only if you believe women don’t get metaphorical wood and I would tend to argue that point), sexist (for sure: can we not also give America more wetlands with one of the more female-based categories? I can already hear my lady friends applauding my wit), or downright vulgar (sprouting wood to, well, sprout more wood can indeed be seen as vulgar but one can’t argue the literary brilliance of the metaphorical and literal combine in the name of more green space)… Call it whatever you please but you can’t necessarily say it doesn’t know what it wants or lacks a hard and healthy philosophical center.

Go forth, new urbanists. Plant them trees by planting your seed. Okay, I swear I’m done.

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